For many of us, Christmas is a time to step away from the routine of daily life and enjoy holiday celebrations with family and friends. But here at Rachel’s Vineyard, an international ministry for healing after abortion, it is one of the busier times of years, especially for our hotline.
I asked Rachel’s Vineyard founder Theresa Burke – and my wife – to shed some light on how pregnancy loss can impact women and men during the holidays, and how loved ones can help.
“We definitely see an uptick in calls”
Dr. Burke shared an example of how the celebration of Christmas can connect to a past abortion loss.
“Jennifer struggled at a family gathering as her nieces and nephew were lavished with loving attention and the excitement of gifts. She watched closely as the presence of the little ones served to amplify the wonder and joy of the Christmas feast for everyone in the family…. except her.
Instead, an all-too-familiar sense of bitterness and sorrow rose up within her broken heart, which longed for her missing child…The little one whom she felt pressured to abort despite her ambivalence at the time. This left a secret pain and agony that made it difficult for her to witness the happy members of her family gathered by the tree, laughing, singing and snuggled against their parent’s hearts.
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Dr. Burke said Jennifer knew her family would have come to welcome her child with the same loving attention. But back in college, her then-boyfriend insisted on abortion so she sacrificed their baby to save the relationship, only to see it end in the months following the procedure. To further complicate her grief, Jennifer now was struggling with fertility issues in her marriage and feared she had aborted her only hope of having a child.
Certainly, there are many ways the Christmas season can trigger painful emotions and memories of a past abortion, or a history of many abortions. Beginning with Advent, the entire season is focused on preparing for the birth of Christ. Jesus was conceived and carried through many challenging circumstances while still in the womb. Yet, despite the anxiety and fear of his parents, Mary and Joseph said “yes” to their unusual vocation. They welcomed this child who would come to be a source of great blessing to all the nations of the earth.
This welcoming of the Christ child stands in stark contrast to the fears and pressures that can make a pregnancy feel like such a threat in the moment – despite all the blessings, new challenges and unique gifts a child will offer their family, and the world. Once realized, this is a source of the deepest pain and regret.
Dr. Burke offered some advice to those who encounter such pain and grief during Christmas:
“The most important thing is to listen with love. What you are feeling is a normal response to the loss of life. You are not alone. Many others also experience similar thoughts and feelings during the holidays.”
Often, she explained, this simple response will open the door to deeper grief, and the release of tears. Grieving mothers and fathers can be encouraged to consider an abortion recovery program in the New Year, reminding them of the blessings and peace they will discover in their healing journey.
Fathers who lost children to abortion may be triggered by the example of Joseph in the Christmas stories. Joseph was faithful to his vocation, despite his natural fear and anxiety, and protected and provided for his very special family.
Men can be invited to share their feelings of grief, depression, anger and shame about their role in an abortion, or being unable to prevent the death of their preborn child. Share about abortion healing for men that will empower them to reclaim their true identity as fathers, as men of strong faith, and a blessing to those entrusted to their care.
Losing a child to miscarriage
I asked Dr. Burke if she sees similar pain with those recovering from a miscarriage loss. She responded:
“Indeed, there are certainly similarities with sadness and grief. There can also be a shared sense that a part of the family is missing and longed for. With later miscarriages, the news of a couple expecting a baby was not a secret, but welcomed and anticipated with joy and excitement by family members and friends.
So the recognition of the memory of the attachment to a baby can be shared and validated. But frequently, others may not be tuned into their loved one’s feelings of sadness and grief. So very often, there can be a similar sense of isolation and feeling overwhelmed by the emotions caused by pregnancy loss for any reason that may unexpectedly surface during the holiday season.”
Here too, it’s important that women and men are validated in their experience of loss, and reach out to family, friends or a counselor to find the support they need. These couples also need the gentle invitation to share about their experience, and know that their painful and sometimes confusing feelings are a very natural response to losing their precious baby.
Couples may need to hear that it is not a betrayal of the Christmas spirit and celebration of the feast, to acknowledge and share their burden of pain and grief. They can be reminded that above each manger, is a cross.
As Fr. Bernard Speringer writes:
“The Cross above the Manger is more than a mere decoration…The birth and death of Jesus Christ, the Manger and the Cross, belong together indissolubly. God became man… in order to be able to lay down his life on Golgotha out of love for men…Both the Manger and the Cross are for us the revelation of God’s love.”
The expression of deep grief related to loss, and taking time to heal of the emotional and spiritual wounds of sins like abortion, will in time yield a more lasting peace and joy – one not found in the superficial materialism of the secular holiday.
Dr. Burke added that it is common to try to deny and avoid these painful feelings. “You may find yourself staying hyper-busy with shopping and holiday preparations, having that extra glass of wine or two, or expressing your grief with anger in the form of conflict with your loved ones.”
Other women and men may withdraw during the holidays, and avoid family and friends. They, too, need encouragement to reach out for the support they need.
Denial and avoidance of past abortion loss, or painful feelings related to a miscarriage, take a toll over time in one’s health and relationships. There is a better way to cope, and one that will bring great blessing in the New Year.
Contact an abortion recovery program and get the support you need this Christmas season. (Rachel’s Vineyard offers a toll-free hotline, 1-877-HOPE-ME.) Catholic Miscarriage Support is a resource for Catholic couples as well as all Christian parents who have lost a child, or children to miscarriage.
LifeNews Note: Kevin Burke, MSS, is a pastoral associate of Priests for Life and co-founder of Rachel’s Vineyard. An expert on men and abortion loss, he is the author of Tears of the Fisherman and co-author of Rivers of Blood/Oceans of Mercy.
